Yours, Mine and Ours: Blending a Step-Family

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Yours, Mine and Ours, originally starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and updated for a new generation in 2005, tells the story of two former high school sweethearts who reconnect later in life and spontaneously get married… bringing into their union 18 kids between them. As one might imagine, when military man Frank and free spirit Helen attempt to bring their broods together as one family, they quickly find themselves in over their heads.

If you're a parent in a blended family, you know that it doesn't take 18 kids to make for a complicated situation… in fact, one or two can do it just fine, thanks.

Yours, Mine and Ours is a comedy, but in real life the challenges of blending two unique families are not always a cause for laughter. The complexities are very real - there's a reason the divorce rate for second marriages is pushing 75%.

The movie has a happy ending, as they usually do. And if you find yourself stuck somewhere in the middle of the plot, where the fighting and the tears and the stress seem never to end, we want you to know that there is hope for a happy ending to your story, too. Here are some cautions to help you get going in the right direction. 

Don't Rush It

Successfully blending two families requires extreme measures of patience. If you've been married a few months or a year and it doesn't seem to be happening, you might find yourself tempted to say, "Okay kids, you've had a while now to get used to this; time to get on board." Slow down. Of course you want it to happen right away, but it's not realistic to expect that it will.

This new reality is a seismic shift for your children. Yes, it's been a big change for you, too, but you have the advantage of having control over the situation, not to mention a wider perspective as an adult. Your kids, on the other hand, have had their whole world change, and they really had no say in the matter. Suddenly they've got a new parent, some new siblings, and they've just got to deal with it. They will deal with it, but it's going to take time for them to wrap their heads around this.

Accept that in all likelihood it will take at least one to two years, and maybe longer, before you really feel like you have become one family. Coming to grips with this fact will help you enjoy the journey, rather than becoming consumed with frustration that you haven't yet reached the destination. 

Don't Force It

Perhaps the most critical mistake that many step-parents make early in the relationship is in attempting to force love. They may require the step-kids to call them Mom or Dad. They might make them give goodnight hugs and kisses. They expect the same kind of affection a child would typically give their biological parents, and when they don't give it, they come down on the kid.

This grows out of the desire to get to the happy family stage as quickly as possible. There's just problem: it's guaranteed to backfire. In the best-case scenario, you may be able to get them to mouth the words; but in their hearts, it's not love that's growing, it's resentment.

Understand what's going on for your step-kids. In their mind, you have taken away their mom or dad. Now, that may or may not be what actually happened, but regardless of the facts, that is likely how they feel. That being the case, what is the best way to begin to build a relationship with them?

You've got to earn their respect and love through the way that you treat them. Give them the space they need to adjust to the new situation. Support them in their need to take time to work through things. Treat them well and relate to them on their terms, and over time they will soften towards you.

Don't Dictate

When it comes to household rules, there has to be a huge amount of openness and a great deal of give-and-take. One of the major sources of problems between kids in many blended families is a perception of unfairness or favouritism in how the rules are enforced.

The difficulty is that you are melding two families into one. Chances are there was a fair degree of difference between the two families in terms of the expectations placed on the kids and the consequences when those expectations weren't met. Now that you're bringing them all together, whose rules rule the day? It's a complicated question, and it can be further compounded when kids are spending part of their time at another parent's home, living under yet another set of rules.

This is where communication becomes paramount. Firstly, you and your spouse need to talk through these issues and come to agreement together. If you're not on the same page, you certainly can't expect your kids to be.

Secondly, it's critical that you develop consistent standards that will be applied to all the kids in the same way. Having different rules for different kids is just asking for civil war.

Thirdly, you're going to have to have some family meetings to work through this stuff with the kids. Some of the rules they have grown up with are likely going to change now. They need to understand the new expectations and the reasons for the changes, and they deserve a chance to raise any concerns. Make things clear from the start to avoid trouble down the road.

Don't Take Over

Still on the subject of discipline, I can't stress this enough: let the birth parent handle the discipline of his or her children. Yes, you need to agree on rules and consequences so you're approaching it as a team, but when it comes time to actually sit a child down and dispense punishment for something, it should be the biological parent that does it.

This goes back to the need for the step-parent to earn the respect and trust of the child. When the new parent moves in and takes over the discipline, it gives the child another reason to grow resentful towards them.

Over time, as the relationship solidifies and the family becomes stronger, it may be appropriate for some crossover to begin to happen in discipline issues. But for the first few years, it is definitely wisest for the step-parent to take a step back in this area.

Don't Stop Loving

Above all, love your kids. And by "your kids," I mean all of them - the ones you brought into the marriage with you, the ones you inherited, and any that you add along the way. Encourage them to the max. It is rare indeed for a kid to turn out badly when they've got a significant adult solidly in their corner, be it a parent or a step-parent.

When you married a man or woman with kids, you weren't just making a commitment to a spouse. You were making a commitment to a family. Yes, there will be days when you feel like you're in over your head; days when you wonder whether yours, mine and ours will ever simply be us. Don't give up. Your story can include a happily ever after.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program across Canada on the Canwest Global network.