Facing the Marital Impact of Overeating

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Recent statistics reveal that 47% of Canada's adult population is overweight. And with an increasingly sedentary lifestyle, those numbers are rising every year.

The negative health effects of overeating are obvious and well-documented. What may be less widely recognized is the impact that weight problems can have on a marriage.

I understand that this is a sensitive, complicated issue. It is a tough thing to talk about, but it must be faced because it really can add some unique pressures to a marriage. Not only can overeating lead to health problems that create great stress, but it also influences the way in which we view ourselves and our partner.

With that in mind, I'd like to offer some perspective both for the person who is struggling with weight issues, and for the spouse who is supporting them through it.

Suggestions for the person struggling with weight issues:

Identify the Root

Understand that overeating is a symptom of other issues in your life. It is not just a physical problem; it actually has emotional roots. When we are driven towards unhealthy behaviour of any kind, we need to figure out why. Are you using food as a sedative to mask inner pain? Are you looking to get happiness from eating, rather than from healthier and ultimately more satisfying sources? Are you discouraged, and using food to make yourself feel better?

Whatever the underlying issues are, they need to be addressed so you can gain a healthy disposition about yourself. As you work through the issues that you’re facing inside, it will put you in a good place emotionally to begin to change your eating and exercise habits.

Recognize the Stress that Weight Issues Bring to a Marriage

If you are the person who is battling a weight problem, it may be difficult for you to learn or accept that it is affecting your marriage. And hear me clearly: this is not to say that your eating habits are to blame for all the problems in your marriage, nor is it to excuse or condone poor treatment by your spouse. I will address the spouse's responsibilities momentarily. Nevertheless, you do need to come to grips with the fact that weight issues bring added complexities to a relationship.

First of all there are the health issues. Carrying extra weight leaves you more susceptible to a host of health problems, both mild and severe. When these complications strike, they can put even the strongest marriage under incredible strain.

Furthermore, being overweight can create a sense of disappointment in even the most supportive spouse. It can cause them to wonder if you really love them enough to make changes in this area to take better care of yourself. In some cases it can even lead to temptation to go outside the marriage. Again, this is not to excuse that kind of action in any way, because there is nothing that can justify it. Yet there is no doubt that it's a wonderful gift to a marriage when we put in the effort to remain appealing to our spouse.

Do It for Your Family

We often tend to think of our problems in isolation. We look at an issue like being overweight and we think it only affects us, and not those around us. But it does have an impact on my spouse and kids, and even my grandkids. They love me, and they want me to be healthy. My wife wants to grow old with me. My kids want me to live long enough to see their kids grow up and have an influence on them.

I'd encourage you to love your mate and your family enough to really work to get healthy. Love them enough to say, “I want to be around for a long time." If you're having a hard time motivating yourself to action, don't do it for yourself. Do it for you’re the people you love the most.

And don't wait till tomorrow. Regardless of how old or young you are, the sooner you make the changes, the better chance you will have of enjoying a long and healthy life. Do yourself a favour and show love to your spouse by taking steps towards a balanced life, so you can grow old together.

Suggestions for the supportive spouse:

Treasure the Person You’re Married To

If you want to help your spouse win this battle, you need to accept them and love them unconditionally. Make absolutely sure they know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that they are loved no matter what they weigh. That will create a context of encouragement that can give them the strength to work through the issues.

Real love is not skin deep. A relationship based solely on physical appearance and attraction will never last, because we all change as we age. Remind yourself why you really love the person you married. Celebrate their best qualities and express your appreciation for them. Be sure that your husband or wife knows that you are in their corner, and you're not going anywhere.

Be Patient

Gentleness wins over criticism every time. Your spouse is in a battle, and it's a tough one. They are much more likely to win if you're behind them than they are if they feel like you're against them. Needling them with one-liners like, "Maybe you should go running today," or, "Are you sure you should be eating that?" are not going to motivate them to change. If anything, that kind of approach is going to discourage them and cause them to give up.

Your husband or wife needs to know they are safe with you. Create a context of support. Ask them, “What can I do to help out? I know you’re struggling with your weight and you don’t even want to talk about it, but I love you and I want you to tell me how I can best help you. I accept you. I love you. But what can I do to help you work through these issues?” Gentleness, affirmation and patience are going to provide the best environment for them to make progress.

Stay Captivated by Your Spouse

This is a complicated issue, especially for men, who are hardwired to focus on physical appearance. Many men, when their wife is struggling with being overweight, have a tendency to start looking elsewhere for their affection needs. That could be in the form of an attraction to another woman, or it could be channeled into pornographic websites, magazines or movies.

My challenge to you is to stay focused on your relationship with your spouse. Going outside the marriage, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, is not the answer. Instead, be captivated by your spouse beyond the image. Stay focused on that one person rather than letting your eyes and your heart wander. Love her or love him where they’re at. Regardless of the extent of the problem, provide the support, the security and the encouragement that will help them get to where they need to be.

Wherever you fit in this puzzle, whether you are facing your own weight issues or helping your spouse face theirs, know that weight problems can be overcome. At times it may feel impossible, but many people have succeeded in losing significant amounts of weight and keeping it off. The rewards to your health, your confidence, your marriage and your family are worth the work.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing Sunday's on CanWest Global stations across Canada.