Brand New Parents: Getting Started Right

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

It's a journey that every new parent experiences: the excitement of discovering that you're going to have a baby; the anticipation of preparing for the little one's arrival; the hopes and dreams for their future; the exhilaration of the birth; the joy of looking into your child's eyes for the first time. And then, the absolute panic that overtakes you when it fully sinks in that you are now responsible for raising this kid, and you don't have the foggiest clue what to do!

We've been there. We remember that feeling very well. And we've got some suggestions for you as you prepare to face the most challenging - and most rewarding - task of your life.

Get Some Parenting Help

It is so much easier to have a baby than it is to raise one. Having a baby comes pretty naturally. Parenting? Not so much.

My challenge to you as a new parent would be to get some help. Read a book, take a course, talk to those who've been there before - do something to prepare yourself for the road ahead. Don't just assume that you know how to parent. Even if you've got lots of experience working with kids, it's a whole different ballgame when they're yours, and you have the ultimate responsibility for their well-being.

When you think about it, to become a fisherman you have to get a fishing license; you have to do some training to get a boating license. To drive a car you have to take lessons. It only makes sense that if you're going to do something as important and as challenging as parenting, you start by taking some training.

Hopefully you also have friends, neighbours or family who are in a similar life stage. Spending time with other young parents gives you the opportunity to learn from and share your struggles and frustrations with people who can truly relate to what you're facing. Sometimes the biggest help is to know that you're not the only one who finds parenting to be pretty tough.

Describe the Person You Want Your Child to Become

As daunting as it may seem at first, skills like feeding, bathing and changing the baby will be second nature in a matter of weeks. Where the real challenge of parenting lies is in taking this little life and shaping him or her into the kind of person who is ready to face the world head-on. How do you get from here to there?

You've got to start with the end in sight. By that I mean that you need to know what you want your child to become - not in terms of their career or interests, but their character. Who do we want this kid to be at age 18? What kind of qualities will they need if they are going to make a difference in this world?

Take the time to talk with your spouse about the things you want to build into your child. Make some decisions about the values you hold dearest, and the kind of family that you want to have. As you do so, focus on character above achievement or material success. Once you know where you're trying to go, you can start to figure out what it's going to take to get there.

Get a Game Plan

There are some things in life where you can get by with flying by the seat of your pants. Parenting is not one of them. You can't just make it up as you go along.

Once you've got that picture in your mind of how you want your child to turn out, you can start putting the pieces into place to make it happen. It's not going to happen overnight; it's a process that is going to take 18 years and beyond. But each successive year builds on the last. Now is the time to begin being intentional about training your child in the way you want them to go.

Studies show that 80% of who a child ultimately becomes is determined by the age of five. Character development is not something that waits until later in childhood or in the teen years; in fact, if you do wait till then, you will likely find that it's too late at that point. If you don't start now by establishing reasonable discipline and taking advantage of the teachable moments that come everyday, it's going to be very difficult to make up for it down the road. Growing a child into a mature person of integrity takes time, it takes effort, and it takes consistency. The earlier you start, the more effective you will be as a parent.

Live How You Want Your Kids to Be

In many ways, character is contagious. When you are surrounded by people that you can truly respect, you want to become like them. I know that who I am today is due in large part to the example of my dad. He modeled integrity to his very core. There was no dichotomy between what he said and how he lived. That made me want to become a person of character, too.

As a parent, the best thing you can do is to live out what you want your kids to become. You can preach it all you want, but if they don't see it reflected in your life, it's not going to stick. So take a look back at that list of character qualities you want to build into your child. Are you living it? If your kid turns out just like you, will you have hit your target? If not, then the first thing you need to do is to get on the right path yourself. Your kids will follow in whatever direction you lead.

Parenting is life's greatest challenge, no doubt about it. But it's also likely the most gratifying task you will ever set your hand to. So whatever you do, don't forget to have fun on the journey. My wife and I are just a year or two away from the empty nest, and what you've always heard older generations say is really true: you can't believe how fast it goes. Enjoy it!

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing weekly across Canada.