Money & Marriage: Making it Last in the First 5 Years

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

When it comes to finances, especially in the early years of a marriage, it’s so easy to do things wrong. Couples make spending decisions without realizing that they are going to be paying for it for years to come. And the cost isn't confined to their pocketbook, either. The greatest hit is often to the relationship itself.

Maybe you're reading this and you're saying, "Help! We are so messed up." Or maybe you haven't gone down that road yet and you're wanting to avoid the potholes. Either way, here are a few basic financial principles for young couples that I think will really help you out.

Make a Simple Budget

The first step is to create your household budget. If the word budget freaks you out, call it a spending plan. Whatever you call it, it's got to be done, because if you don't have at least a rough roadmap of where you're trying to go financially, you're never going to get there.

Every couple has to talk through the issues of money and spending habits. Who is the saver, and who is the spender? How much money do you have at your disposal? What are your short-term and long-term goals? What kinds of things are you going to allow yourselves to splurge on? How are you going to track income and expenses? There are a lot of things to be figured out in those first few years of marriage.

When you're putting together your first budget, start by setting out the regular payments that you have to make every month. Then set a reasonable amount aside for spending on the necessities. Add those up, look at your income and decide how to spend whatever is left over. Many couples get this backwards: they start having fun and spending wildly as if they have so much money, and then at the end of the month it's, "How are we going to pay for this?" They haven’t thought it through.

When you crunch the numbers, you may find that you really don't have much to play with after all the necessities are covered off. But it's better to know that up front and make decisions accordingly than to spend recklessly and dig yourself a hole that could take years to climb out of.

Set Spending Limits

When Donalyn and I were first married, we actually set a limit on how much either of us could spend without first getting approval from the other. In our case, 30 years ago, we did not allow ourselves to spend more than $10 without getting permission from the other person.

Of course, the number would be higher today and it varies according to your income, but the principle remains valid. Those first few years are a time of growing in your understanding of your own spending habits and building trust with one another. Though this guideline may seem overly restrictive, a spending limit actually frees you to grow as a couple financially. Plus, it ensures that you're on the same page. If you do get yourself into trouble, at least you won't be playing the blame game, because you made the decisions as a team.

Learn to be Content

We live in a world of crazy advertising that breeds discontent. As a society, we are not very good at being content with what we have. We don't like taking the time to save for what we can't afford right now, and credit is always available to make it so we don't have to. But it comes at a huge price, not just financially, but relationally.

A young couple would do well to learn to be content longer. The generation that is getting married today has grown up with more money, experiences and stuff than any other generation in history. When they become adults and start their own families, they expect to have the nice house and the cars and the toys that their mom and dad had, not realizing that it likely took their parents twenty or thirty years to acquire all those things. But they want it now.

Instead, work to come to the place where you are content with the reality that you may be in a basement suite or an apartment for awhile. You may have a clunker for a car. We did. In fact, it wasn’t even that long ago for us that my young teenaged daughter put a bag on her head because she didn’t want to be seen in this car we had to drive. We also had a couch that we called "the turdster" that was given to us on its way to the junkyard. But that is what we started with, and it made us appreciate it all the more when we were able to afford nicer things.

Contentment also requires you to be wise in distinguishing between needs and wants. If I am driven by my wants, I will spend a lot of money on things that aren't necessary. First purchase what you really need; then if you have extra you can indulge in some of the wants.

You Aren't What You Own

Finally, I want to suggest to you that you aren’t what you own. What do I mean by that? In this world that constantly tells you, "You will be somebody if you own this car, you’ll be somebody if you have a big house, and you’ll be somebody if you have all these things around you," you need to know that life is not about what you own. We push so hard to keep up with the Joneses that we lose sight of what is really important.

I have seen too many couples who were good people, in love and full of hope for their future together, get caught up in chasing all that money can buy and lose their relationship in the process. You must make the decision that your priority is going to be your marriage and your family life, not the pursuit of bigger and better things.

Don't hang your worth as a couple on the number of zeroes in your bank account or on how well your car compares to your neighbour's. Life is too short to spend your energy on those things. I have been in five or six of the poorest countries in the world, and I've seen people living together in great unity and accord as a family, in dingy little shacks with dirt floors. We are blessed with so much, but at the end of the day I'd take a happy family over more stuff in a heartbeat. I suspect you would too.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing Sunday's on CanWest Global stations across Canada.