Relating to Your Grandkids: Q&A with Dave and Donalyn Currie

I’m sad to say that my teenage grandkids are really heading down the wrong path. I want to have a great relationship with them and help turn them in the right direction, but I just find it so hard to relate to kids today. It’s like we don’t even speak the same language! Do you have any suggestions?

Dave: You ask a question that's on the hearts of many grandparents today. The rate of technological and cultural change today is so fast that the gap between generations is larger than it has ever been, and growing larger by the year. As a result, it's increasingly difficult for grandparents and even parents to relate to their children. And yet it's never been more critical to build a relationship and maintain a bridge of trust with the younger generation.

Donalyn: The first thing I would say is that, although the outside language may be different, the heart language is still the same. Much has changed, but this has not: every kid still wants to be loved and accepted. They value your input into their lives, but first they must get comfortable with you. They need to know that you are not threatening, but safe. Remember, as much as you may feel like they are from another planet, they feel the same about all of us old people - which they define as anyone older than 25!

Dave: That's right. Any advice you want to give them needs to be couched in a secure relationship if it's going to have any impact on them. You want to be a constant in their life, not just a critic. Rather than simply lecturing, start by loving and listening. This goes for parents too, but especially for grandparents. Remember your role: let the parents do the disciplining, and you be the safe place where the kids can really share what's going on. Set an example through your character, but resist the urge to take over for the parents.

Donalyn: To begin bridging the relational gap, you need to spend some intentional time really getting to know the kids. You need to enter their world.

Dave: A great way to show them your love is through your presence. Make it a priority to attend their performances if they're into the arts, or their games if they're into sports. Whatever they do, be interested in it. Now, watching a skateboarding competition or sitting through an ear-splitting gig by their garage band may not be your cup of tea, but that's not important. What is important is that you demonstrate your personal interest in them. That will open up the doors for meaningful conversations.

Donalyn: As you spend time with them (or talk on the phone if you don't live near each other), work hard at finding out who they are on the inside. Sometimes they don’t even know themselves, so it will take some time to get them talking. Try to think ahead and plan the conversations. Kids love to give their opinions if they know you are really interested and not just want to judge.

Dave: Some adults live in such different worlds from their kids that it's hard to even know how to start a conversation with them.

Donalyn: Start with neutral, non-threatening topics like their friends, family, hobbies and school. Ask them who their best friends are and why they like them. As they become more comfortable and open, move into deeper topics. Ask them what they like about their family, and what they would change about it. Ask them for their thoughts about God: "What words come to mind when you think about God's personality?" And get them to talk about their dreams. Every kid has dreams and goals, although some kids are a little nearsighted in their planning. It may be your job to help them look a little further into the future by the questions that you ask. Things like, "If you could be anything in the world, what would it be?" or, "If you could be anyone else, who would you like to be and why?"

Dave: Those are some good suggestions. I think the intentionality is key. You can't assume the relationship is just going to grow on its own; it takes effort. In fact, why not set aside the time to have individual "dates" with your grandkids? Have them over for meals without the rest of their family, and serve them their favourite dishes and desserts. Find some common bonding activities that you can do together - playing games, watching movies, whatever they like. Take them out to celebrate special events or rites of passage in their life. All these things tell the kid, "I love you. I value you. I believe in you."

Donalyn: You could even let them invite their friends over for a meal at your house. Feed them as often as they'll come!

Dave: Right. If you feed them, they will come.

Donalyn: You might also try picking up a current parenting magazine or book to help you learn what teens are facing these days. Pressures are so different for teens now even than when we were raising our oldest kids ten years ago. Talk to other grandparents and find out what works for them and what isn’t working.

Dave: And don't forget: there is no substitute for prayer. As grandparents, you may be in a better position than anyone else in their life to spend significant time praying for your family. So I'd encourage you to double your prayer efforts. And let them know you're doing it, too. Send them care packages filled with things they like with a little note: "I'm praying for you." Just express to them that you understand how tough it is to grow up today and that you're praying for them through the challenges. That may be the best thing you can do.

Donalyn: How many people, when they look at their past, talk about the grandparents that prayed consistently for them and attribute their coming through the tough years to their grandparents’ prayers? You will never regret time spent in prayer!