The Empty Nest: Q&A with Dave and Donalyn Currie

After 25 years of our world revolving around our kids, the last one is about to move out. Do you have any suggestions for us as we transition to the empty nest?

Dave: This is a question that “hits home” literally for us. Our last two are out of High School now and it’s only a matter of time before the house gets really quiet for us too. As you look ahead to your kids leaving home and you returning to the days when it was just the two of you, there are really two factors to consider. First, how will you maintain strong ties with your kids, and second, how will you adjust to just being a couple again?

Donalyn: That’s right Dave. Because your relationship with your kids doesn’t just end when they move out. Instead, it moves into a new phase where you start to interact with them more as friends and peers. It’s a new dynamic, but it’s no less rewarding.

Dave: For sure. And the building blocks for success in this new phase are really laid in the earlier years. Two or three years before your kids even think about leaving, begin working to strengthen your connection with them and resolve all your conflicts. You want to separate well, on good terms. Keep short accounts with them, and don’t let a blow-up be the motivation for their leaving. They will always remember how you finished up these last few years.

Donalyn: In fact, those last few years at home are when the transition really begins. After they finish high school, start to loosen the restrictions. They are still in your home, but you need to be preparing them to be on their own. Just ask that they keep you informed of their plans.

Dave: Right. This is when you begin to change from being the authority figure to more of a life coach and a guide. Once they actually move out, they will still want your input, but wait a lot more to offer advice until they ask for it. Continue to be available as a safe place for them to land. They may make some poor choices in your mind, but they need to know you love them unconditionally and will hang in there through those tough times.

Donalyn: It’s so important to support your kids and affirm them in their life choices, including their choice of a date or more importantly, a life partner. As Dave said, offer advice when asked, but once they have made a decision, encourage them where you can in it. Many parent-child relationships have been wrecked when the parent refuses to accept the child’s choice of a spouse. Watch your reactions here. Even if you feel your child has made a poor choice, you can be a positive factor in that relationship and help them to succeed.

Dave: We also work to remain involved in our kids’ worlds after they’ve left home. Take a weekly interest in their activities, and continue to invest time in building an ongoing and deeper relationship with them.

Donalyn: Absolutely. Newly married kids and grandkids can continue to take up a lot of your time, especially if they live locally. Learn to enjoy the new role you will play. If they’ve moved further away it will take more creativity to stay connected, but it is well worth the investment of both time and money. Whether near or far work hard to stay in touch.

Dave: One last thing to consider in your relationship with your grown children: bestow a blessing on each of your kids. It is best to do this in writing to be the most direct encouragement but needs to be verbally as well up to 2 or 3 times per month In fact, I have given each of our kids a card where I praise them for the unique gifts that God has given them and painted a bit of a vision for their future. Just look for opportunities to affirm your children. Be sure to start building into your kid’s spouse too. Support is a needed commodity in today’s world. It will give them the strength they need to face life on their own.

Donalyn: Now, turning to the 2nd aspect of transition in the empty nest, your relationship with one another, it’s time to celebrate! This is a major milestone in your life together. It’s a great opportunity to have much more time alone together, so take advantage of it and have fun!

Dave: That’s right. In fact, you might even want to set aside a special time to celebrate this passage of life for yourselves. You are embarking on a new adventure, the second half of your lives together. You want to grow in love over the long haul. This would be a great time to take a second honeymoon, or at least a weekend away, to kick off your new era together.

Donalyn: Sounds great to me, Dave…how soon? I am excited!!! Many couples, though, actually find this to be a very difficult time. They may have gotten to the point where the only thing they have in common is the kids, and now that they’re gone, what do they have left? Facing a relational vacuum is a scary thing.

Dave: I hear that a lot. There is a huge danger in husband and wife maintaining two separate worlds, connected only by the kids. In fact, for those who still have a few years before the nest empties, I would recommend that you start taking more time as a couple even now. Work to reestablish your relationship as the priority, and find two or three activities that you can enjoy doing together. Be willing to make concessions – don’t let selfishness rule. Being together needs to be more important than what specific activity you do together.

Donalyn: Hopefully you’ve been able to maintain a habit of dating regularly, and you actually enjoy being together. If not, start dating again now. Make spending time together a real priority – there are no excuses anymore! The time that used to be taken up by the kids can now be committed to having fun together and enjoying new hobbies as a couple. Focus on your relationship, and take lots of time to talk.

Dave: In some cases, they will need to start talking again. Doing all these things together is going to be tough if you aren’t at peace with one another. Be patient and re-enter times together gently and yet intentionally. Work to resolve any hurts and disappointments from the past. Unload all your baggage, and make amends and extend forgiveness to your spouse where necessary. Agree to start again at making the relationship work.

Donalyn: Good point Dave. The strength of your connection as you enter the empty nest will be based on the time you’ve taken along the way to invest in a healthy friendship with your spouse. Speaking of relationships though, this would also be a great time to cultivate friendships with other couples. Sometimes that’s a difficult thing to do during the “kid years”. But now it’s important to find other couples that you can socialize with.

Dave: That’s right. You’ve worked hard for years, so this is a great opportunity to slow down and enjoy both your family and other people. And don’t forget, your impact continues once the kids leave home. You are still a powerful model to your kids and grandkids, and you are still creating a legacy. Look for ways to serve and help others, and not just in your family. Find purpose in honouring God by caring for others as a team.

Above all, recommit to your marriage to God and the blueprint He has for marriage. Reengage with one another and rekindle your romance. Make your treatment of your spouse amazing. Phase two of your marriage can be even better than the first! That is God’s plan.