The Curfew Battle

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Parent-teen battles are an all-too-familiar reality for many families, and among the most common battlegrounds over which the war is fought is the issue of curfews.

I'm here to tell you: it doesn't have to be a fight. You and your teen can come to a place where you see eye-to-eye on this issue. Want to know how? Here are the answers to the top 10 questions I get from parents on the curfew dilemma.

Q: When do I start setting curfews for my kids?

The earlier you start implementing rules, whether pertaining to curfews or other issues, the more easily your kids will accept it as normal, and the less likely they will be to fight you on it in the teen years. So start setting curfews early on, as is appropriate to their age. Once they are old enough to be spending part of the evening playing at a friend's home, establish a set curfew that will get pushed later as they continue to grow older.

This is also the time to help them build habits that will become more important later on. Teach them to get permission before they act, whether it's asking you before they go to that friend's house, or calling to clear a change in their plans. Get them used to the idea that disclosing their whereabouts and activities is a normal and expected part of them going out. Giving them clear guidelines and expectations in these areas in the pre-teen years will pave the way for greater compliance down the road.

Q: What is a reasonable curfew for my teenager?

Every family is different, so there is no one way of handling the curfew question that will work across the board. What doesn't change, though, is the need for all teens to have some parameters and limits set for them by their parents. Sadly, many parents abdicate this responsibility and allow their kids way more leeway than they are capable of handling, leading to all kinds of trouble.

You have got to decide what is right for your home. Working with your spouse, develop the standards and expectations that your children need to adhere to, along with the consequences if they fail to do so. Be reasonable and leave room for flexibility in exceptional circumstances. Remember, your goal is to gradually give your teen more freedom as they prove themselves responsible.

Q: How much do I base my curfew decisions on when their friends’ curfews are set?

What other families are doing with their kids may serve as a barometer to some extent, to help you know if you're being reasonable. At the end of the day, though, you can't run your family based on what other families are doing. Again, many parents do not set as firm limits as they should, and you don't want to follow them in this just because everybody is doing it. On the other end of the spectrum are parents who may be unreasonably strict, preventing their teens from experiencing appropriate levels of responsibility and creating resentment. You don't want to go there, either.

Generally, don't compare yourselves with what other families are doing. You don't know their parenting philosophy or their kids… but you do know where your kids are at, and the values you are trying to instill in them. Use that as the basis of your decisions.

In some cases it may be helpful to work with other families. If your teen has one or two friends that they spend most of their time with, talk to their parents and see if you're all thinking along the same lines. If all the parents are setting similar expectations, it will certainly be much easier for the kids to comply.

Q: Do curfews change over the years?

You definitely need to be willing to be flexible. As teens prove themselves trustworthy and responsible, they should be given greater freedom. Parenting in the teen years is about preparing them for the near future when they will be making these decisions for themselves. While they live in your house, though, they have to earn greater privileges by demonstrating that they can handle it well.

In addition to the age and maturity of the child, here are some other factors to consider when determining how flexible you should be:

• Guys vs. Girls - Are you dealing with a son or a daughter? Though this may be perceived as unfair by some, the reality is that we live in a world where it can be dangerous for a young girl to be out late at night. For that reason, Donalyn and I gave our boys a little more leeway than we did our girls.

• The Destination - Where are they going, and what will the atmosphere be as the evening gets later?

• Their Companions - Who are they going with and how well do you know them? Are they in good company, or are they with people who are likely to be getting into trouble?

• The Activity - What are they planning on doing? Is there a good reason for staying out late?

• The Driver - Will another parent be driving them home, or is one of the teens behind the wheel?

Q: How do I determine how rigid or flexible to be, and at what age do I become more lenient?

As we've already implied, flexibility is linked to the trustworthiness of the kid. Their level of maturity is more important than their age. Some kids are ready for more responsibility at earlier ages than other kids, so you're going to have to gauge your child and determine what's appropriate for them.

As a caution, keep in mind that unnecessary rigidness creates rebellion. Be firm, but be fair. As you see your teen making good decisions, reward them with increasing freedom and more opportunities to prove themselves responsible.

Q: What basis is there to make exceptions, and what if they’re late and it’s not their fault?

When determining whether or not to allow an exception to your usual rules, you want to consider both the child's track record and the circumstances. The better the track record, the more room you have to grant greater freedom.

As far as circumstances are concerned, exceptions should be just that: exceptions to the norm. They should be reserved for those occasions where something special is going on that requires them to be out later than normal. If they are given out too freely, the exception will become the new norm. You want to be gracious, but you don't want to lose all control.

If your kid has a history of trustworthiness, be lenient for reasonable excuses. They have earned the benefit of the doubt. However, if a pattern of excuses begins to form, you will need to do some investigating to see whether they have had more to do with the ongoing lateness than they've been owning up to.

Q: How should we be notified if they’re going to be late, and how early should we be notified?

Your teens should definitely be expected to notify you of any change in their plans, especially if it's going to cause them to be late. This needs to be standard operating procedure.

Encourage them to plan ahead, so they're not already late into the evening when they decide to do something different. The earlier they can notify you, the better. Teach them to call home as soon as the decision is made, to clear it with you before embarking on the new activity.

Q: How do we enforce the curfews that we set?

The effectiveness of parental discipline always hinges on the strength of the relationship between parent and child. The stronger the relationship you've established with them, the better will be their compliance to your rules, and the more positively they will respond to those times when you have to enforce consequences for disobedience.

Earn your child's respect; don't demand it. You do this by being fair, by rewarding responsibility, and by following through with what you say you are going to do. Don't wait until they've stayed out too late to decide what you are going to do in response. Instead, establish reasonable consequences ahead of time, with your teen's input as appropriate. Clearly communicate your expectations, and explain what will happen as they do or do not hold up their end of the bargain. If the communication is clear ahead of time, enforcement will become less of an issue.

Q: What are some good consequences that work when my teenagers break their curfews?

There is some variation on what works well for different kids, which is why it's good to get their input on what is appropriate. With teenagers, the most effective consequences often involve the loss of privileges, such as phone, computer and TV usage, favourite activities, using the car or going out with friends. Giving them extra chores is another option.

Q: What do I do as a parent if I find out their lying to me about their activities?

Resist the urge to blow up. You may even need to sleep on it for the night before responding, if that's what you need to do to be able to talk through it calmly.

Explain to them that you want to work towards giving them greater freedom. In a few years they will be making all their decisions for themselves, and your job is to prepare them to be able to do that. In order to achieve that freedom, though, they have to prove themselves trustworthy. It's going to take time to rebuild that trust now that it's been broken.

Help them to see that it's in their best interest to be honest with you and to demonstrate that they can handle the freedom you want to give them. Beyond that, be sure to remind them that your need to know where they are and what they are doing is not a sign that you don't trust them; it's a sign that you love them and are concerned about their wellbeing. Deep down, most kids can understand that.

The issue of curfews does not have to be a battleground. Handled properly, it is just another opportunity for you to build your relationship with your teen and prepare them for adulthood. Personally, I had more fun with my kids in the teen years than in any other phase of parenting. I hope you will too.

Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie, a television program airing Sunday's on CanWest Global stations across Canada.