Communication Breakdowns

By Michael D. Sedler

The following article was written from excerpts from the book When to Speak Up (and When Not to) by Michael Sedler.

The morning breakfast time was typically silent. He ate his cereal, reading the paper, glancing at the clock and giving an occasional thought to the argument from the previous night. “She never listens to me. It gets so old discussing the same thing over and over.”

She drank her coffee, the steam rising from the cup but doing little to thaw out the icy mood left from the night before. As the minutes ticked by, she sadly reflected on her life. “What’s the use? He will never change.”

Does this situation sound all too familiar? Many married people lose the desire for one another and the hope for a better marriage due to poor communication patterns. I can hear some of you saying, “But I have really tried.” Yes, I know. There has been much effort put into various marriages, but yielding minimal results. Is it possible to change your marriage after so many years—5 years, 10 years, 20 years, or more?

Patterns established in communication can bring about positive or negative results. The way we related to people in the past impacts the way we communicate in our present. This will in turn influence our future communication patterns with others. For example, if your parents communicated by shutting down and choosing silence, this was your role model. It would be common for you to follow in their footsteps or go to the other extreme. “My parents never said anything, but I am going to speak my mind.” This occurs even to the detriment of feelings and emotions. It is difficult to find the balance. These patterns become part of our life and now each one us have fallen into our trap of communication. As you can see, it is a vicious cycle that may need to be broken.

Let me share with you a few foundational concepts that have helped marriages to become whole once again.

1. Establish agreed upon communication times before there is a problem.

All right, I agree. For most of us, it is too late to set the rules before the problem occurs as it occurred many years ago. So, start now. When is a good time to meet? In the morning? After dinner? On the weekends? Busy spouses forget to be accessible. One spouse, usually the wife (sorry, guys, but it is the truth) becomes discouraged, feeling isolated and alone. She does not sense that her husband wants to communicate on the same level she does. She asks a question and wants a dialogue on the scale of War and Peace. Instead, she gets the Reader’s Digest condensed version of Lassie, Come Home. Soon, walls are built between husband and wife.

Do you have some type of guidelines in place with your family to discuss problems and concerns? Do your children feel like they can come and talk with you? Oh, as a parent, I would naturally say, “sure, they can talk with me anytime.” But, go ask your children. Do they feel there is an open door?

The first step to increased communication is to find a time to communicate. My wife and I like to golf. We have found that the time on the golf course is a great opportunity to talk and share with one another. We are alone in a quiet, beautiful area. We can walk and talk without interruption. It is true that our golf game may not be our focus at this point (which explains my golf game), but the purpose is to grow together and this is one way we have found to do this.

2. Do not shut down and hold feelings or ideas inside.

If you face confusing, difficult situations, it is imperative to share your feelings with others. It is possible to disagree with people and still be positive, supportive, and respectful. The way you approach another person is critical to the outcome and success of the conversation. I propose the following strategies:

Go directly to the person (in this case your spouse) with whom you disagree. Avoid talking to other people about the problem. You will find yourself getting worked up and often obtaining poor advice. “I have the same problem with my spouse. That’s just the way they are. Ignore it and just do your own thing.” Now, there’s a solution for a positive resolution. Hiding and stuffing your feelings do not increase the likelihood of success.

Ask the person when would be a good time to talk. Too often we choose a time when it is convenient for us (or when we finally have worked up enough emotions), but we are not thinking of the other person. Remember, we want them to be open to our ideas and willing to listen. During the game, when he/she just walks in the door from work, or after a day of screaming children is not the perfect time to share your innermost feelings. I recently needed to talk to my son about an issue. “Son, I need to talk to you a few minutes about something. When would be a good time? I need about 15 minutes or so.”

3. Be available emotionally and mentally.

Avoid answering the phone, watching television, or other distractions. Give the person your undivided attention. This clearly gives the message that “I care.” The goal should not be to have your spouse agree with you (although we all love it when it happens), but to have them hear your heart and begin to see things from your perspective. The key hear is to listen, listen, listen. Don’t be so firm on getting your point across and feelings out that you don’t hear what the other person is sharing. This is the most common problem in marriage communication. My feelings, My thoughts, My ideas, My, my, my, my…

And finally,

4. Avoid being defensive.

Don’t attack the other person. Stay away from the dynamite words of “you always,” “you never,” or “I have heard that before.” Is your desire to enhance communication or destroy communication? Set up an environment of success and change.

I want to encourage each one of you to begin to look at your marriage as an opportunity for encouragement and growth. Stop trying to change your spouse and begin to let your spouse know who you are. The best way to change a situation is to change us and let others see something new. Their responses will often times be fresh and new due to our changes. It may take time for this to occur, but before you know it, life will look a little different, a little brighter, and full of new hope. Be blessed and treat your spouse with dignity and care.